The Fear of Feeling

by Margaret Paul, Ph.D.

We desire to find the path to peace, joy and freedom. We strive to feel lovable, worthy and secure. We know that if we do our inner work and open to our connection with Spirit, we will feel all of that. Yet we don't. We put it off for days or weeks. We stay stuck in our misery or numbness. Why? What are we so afraid of if we open to learning about loving?

I have searched for many years for the answer to this question. Over and over I would find myself out of grace and joy and into anxiety and stress. Each time it was because I failed to take care of myself in some way.

The problem is that all feelings are in the same box. Pain is in the same box as joy. We cannot be putting a lid on pain without putting a lid on joy as well.

What is the pain we are striving so hard to avoid feeling? Most people feel a lot of pain. We feel anxious, frightened, depressed, hurt. Since we are often in pain, it doesn't seem to make sense that we are, at the same time as we are feeling all this pain, also avoiding pain. Yet that is exactly what we are doing.

As unhappy as we may be feeling, we are avoiding pain that we believe is even greater than the pain we are feeling.

I have discovered that there are three feelings which most people want to avoid at all cost: aloneness, loneliness and helplessness.

Aloneness is what we feel inside when we are disconnected from a spiritual source of love. Loneliness is what we feel when we cannot connect with another, either because our heart is closed, their heart is closed, or both of our hearts are closed. Helplessness is what we would feel if, when we want to connect with another and his or her heart is closed, we accept that there is nothing we can do to make them open their heart. Helplessness is what we feel when we accept our lack of control over others.

When we were babies and small children, we couldn't allow ourselves to feel these feelings. We could not have handled them and may have died of despair. So we learned many protections to avoid feeling these feelings.

The problem is that we still think we will die if we feel these feelings, so we are still avoiding them. We avoid connecting with God for fear God will not be there and we will feel alone. We get angry, withdraw, eat, drink, take drugs, watch TV, get busy, overwork and so on to avoid feeling the pain of our loneliness and helplessness.

Yet loneliness in our society is unavoidable. There are so many people who spend their lives with their hearts closed to avoid their pain that it is impossible not to be around people whose hearts are closed some of the time. If we choose to avoid feeling our loneliness and helplessness, then we too will close our heart. However, when we close our heart we close down the joy too. Then we are stuck with the anxiety, fear, depression and hurt that is endemic in our society.

You will not die if you open to feeling your loneliness and helplessness. It is even quite tolerable if you hold your lonely Inner Child (your feeling self) while bringing through love from Spirit, for then you are not alone in your loneliness. The willingness to feel the pain of loneliness and helplessness opens the door to joy, peace, and freedom. The more you open to spiritual help in your loneliness, the more you are able to embrace the privilege of this sacred journey of evolving your soul. There is great joy in the journey, even when there is loneliness!

Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is the best-selling author and co-author of eight books, including "Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By You?" and “Healing Your Aloneness.” She is the co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding healing process. Learn Inner Bonding now! Visit her web site for a FREE Inner Bonding course: http://www.innerbonding.com or mailto:margaret@innerbonding.com. Phone Sessions Available.

"A Piece of Blarney Stone"

10 ways to empower your communication



The Blarney Stone is a historical stone, or actually part of the Blarney Castle in Ireland where it was believed that kissing the stone can grant you the gift of gab. Yeah, it seems strange in this day and age, but who are we to question tradition? It's not like I'm saying that Santa Claus doesn't exist (OOPS!).



There is so much to know about conversation that anyone, even I, could ever realize. You can go though watching talk shows; radio programs; clubs dedicated to public speaking; ordinary conversations; certain rules still apply when it comes to interaction through words. It may sound tedious, I know, but even though it's your mouth that's doing the work, your brain works twice as hard to churn out a lot of things you know. So what better way to start learning to be an effective communication is to know the very person closest to you: yourself.



1. What you know.

Education is all about learning the basics, but to be an effective speaker is to practice what you've learned. My stint as guest at every Toastmasters' meeting I go to taught me that we all have our limitations, but that doesn't mean we can't learn to keep up and share what we know.



2. Listening.

It's just as important as asking questions. Sometimes listening to the sound of our own voice can teach us to be a little bit confident with ourselves and to say the things we believe in with conviction.



3. Humility

We all make mistakes, and sometimes we tend to slur our words, stutter, and probably mispronounce certain words even though we know what it means, but rarely use it only to impress listeners. So in a group, don't be afraid to ask if you're saying the right word properly and if they're unsure about it then make a joke out of it. I promise you it'll make everyone laugh and you can get away with it as well.



4. Eye Contact

There's a lot to say when it comes to directing your attention to your audience with an eye-catching gaze. It's important that you keep your focus when talking to a large group in a meeting or a gathering, even though he or she may be gorgeous.



5. Kidding around

A little bit of humor can do wonders to lift the tension, or worse boredom when making your speech. That way, you'll get the attention of the majority of the crowd and they'll feel that you're just as approachable, and as human to those who listen.



6. Be like the rest of them

Interaction is all about mingling with other people. You'll get a lot of ideas, as well as knowing what people make them as they are.



7. Me, Myself, and I

Admit it, there are times you sing to yourself in the shower. I know I do! Listening to the sound of your own voice while you practice your speech in front of a mirror can help correct the stress areas of your pitch. And while you're at it you can spruce up as well.



8. With a smile

A smile says it all much like eye contact. There's no point on grimacing or frowning in a meeting or a gathering, unless it's a wake. You can better express what you're saying when you smile.



9. A Role Model

There must be at least one or two people in your life you have listened to when they're at a public gathering or maybe at church. Sure they read their lines, but taking a mental note of how they emphasize what they say can help you once you take center stage.



10. Preparation

Make the best out of preparation rather than just scribbling notes and often in a hurried panic. Some people like to write things down on index cards, while other resort to being a little more silly as they look at their notes written on the palm of their hand (not for clammy hands, please). Just be comfortable with what you know since you enjoy your work.



And that about wraps it up. These suggestions are rather amateurish in edgewise, but I've learned to empower myself when it comes to public or private speaking and it never hurts to be with people to listen how they make conversations and meetings far more enjoyable as well as educational.